Today’s sharing is a bit different. And it goes like this…
I’m a Catholic since birth. But it’s a term that meant nothing until now.
The years I went through, I never lived for the religion rather I lived for the sake of living. I’ve no idea what heaven and hell truly meant. Honestly, I didn’t know there was an afterlife. I grew up with zero knowledge on Christianity. As far as I could remember, my family and I went to Church only once per year. It was a sad reality.
I live with my life being ridiculed by my own siblings. They didn’t realized that their actions have affected my emotional and physical being. I’m afraid to put all of it into words as it’s something I’m struggling with.
There’s a wound inside of me. A wound that keep on bleeding. I was born with imperfections. Shorter than the rest of my siblings. Curly hair. And the lists goes on. I’m the weirdo in the family. I’ve been laughed at… and most of the time a subject to be compared with.
“at least I’m better than….”
“at least I’m taller than…”
“at least I have prettier hair than…”
I always cried in silent. Of course, I got angrier but they always had something to talk back. When my age was around 16, I’m so used to everything and started to believe that I’m exactly like the me they saw with their eyes. As I said earlier, insults and comparison were part of what I’ve gone through. But do trust me because there was a deeper wound than that. I just can’t say it here…
Putting all that aside… no matter how I dislike my brothers and sisters, I never hate them. And that’s the worst part. Forgiving them feels like accepting everything they’ve done to me. And my logical mind couldn’t accept that. To be exact, I refuse to accept the fact that I’m acting like a saint.
What’s wrong with that? you’d asked.
For heaven sake, there’s nothing wrong to forgive someone who did wrong to you. But, I, myself couldn’t understand why I refuse the thought of forgiving. Today, our relationship is much better compared to before but that also a part I can’t tolerate with.
I’m contradicting myself.
I’m against myself.
it’s no longer about me and my siblings.
It’s between me and myself.
Sorry, it’s a lengthy post. Hope you’ll continue reading.
Year 2016, I decided to know more about my religion especially the meaning of being a Catholic and a follower of Jesus. I read a lot of religious books, attend Sunday mass religiously, and went to many seminars. I would say my knowledge increased tremendously but my faith remains dull and dry. I thought I knew what was going on but I didn’t.
This week I attended a seminar held at Gethsemane Garden, Kiawayan, Tambunan (my hometown). It was organized by Sister Judith and her team. I’m still unwilling to open up to Jesus but the Holy Spirit (I believe) brought me to a deeper realization. To the root of my illness.
And it’s not pretty. It’s a burden I need to let go.
Who I am today is the results of what happened during my younger years. And truth be told, I have a sickening personality that easily put the sinner label on my forehead.
It’s scary how easy it is to sin. But, it’s scarier to willingly let yourself to sin.
With this realization, I knew only one solution which is to forgive myself and to pledge a change in personality. But, to achieve this I need love. Jesus’ love. The devil in me tried to change my belief in this but my faith is now stronger than before. Now, I’m a step ahead to accept my saint kind of personality. And of course, to abandon the old me and to start anew.
p/s: thank you for reading today’s post. when I started blogging, I decided not to write anything related to my own religion but I did it. If in any way you are offended. I apologize, I’ve no intention to hurt anybody’s feelings. Have a good night! 🙂